快乐. 不快乐. 一念之差 The difference between happiness and unhappiness….

法文课终于上完啦！

在过去的几个星期上法文课上得很痛苦。

虽一开始时，好像很有决心要学好。可是没两堂课后就放弃了。因为，老师教得很快，我摸不着头脑，她已教下一个课题了。我想她教得快的原因是，除了我和另两个学生，其他同学都是加拿大长大的，即是说，他们在中小学时都学过法文（在加拿大法文是必修课）。所以，来上这个法文初级班像复习多过学习。加 上，这里所有的指标，商业包装等都一定要有双语。在这长大的学生，耳目渲染下，很多字词已在脑袋中。

我呢，则拼了命在死背一些字词，还是一边进一边出。有时，即使背了也好像没背，因为读不出来或发音走样得他们不知我在说什么。有时我会想，其他两个没底子的学生好像也跟得上，为什么我不能。这时，我变得有点自卑。很讨厌这种自卑的感觉。我给自己藉口，因为那两个没底子的学生的老公老婆是会法文的，回家有人可以教。

他们有时还会在班上用简单的法文交谈，我呢，则自己在发我的白日梦。所以，有时老师突然问我问题时，我会看着她发愕。觉得我在班上有点像傻瓜。 所以，到最后，我只在等课程快快上完，我就可以脱身了。我当然可以翘课，可给了钱不上，好像很浪费。只有硬着头皮上课，耳目渲染下，我也开始记得好些字词，虽然发音还是不三不四。

这些日子，尤其星期三，真的很不快乐。原来自卑和放弃可以侵蚀人心。我一向是个顽强的人，就算遇到这种问题也可以克服。不知道为什么这次不可以。Ed说我不是个留意听的人，常常只自顾自说的。要学好语言最重要是要留心细心地听，这样才可以学好发音。他说得很对。

在最后一堂时，我差点就不要去上了。可我又觉得，我怎么可以这样没收尾。就算是彻底失败也要有勇气面对。我进课室前，对自己说，雪芬，上课时要留心听。不会也不是可耻的。今天，要有完美的结束。

真的，是完美的最后一堂课。上课时，我留心听，即使是不明白也没放弃。记得当天的一幕，老师问一位洋人学生一个法文字，她不会。试答了整十次以上，才答对。她大笑，我们也哄笑一堂。这时，我明白了。是自己太在乎了。自己看不起自己，别人也不会看不起。

快乐和不快乐，就是这么一念之差。我不是都知道和相信的吗？这次怎么忘了？要再好好记住。

Finally, I my French classes is over !! The past many weeks were such painful period of my life !

Although, I was quite determined to learn it well initially, I gave up almost immediately after two classes. One of the main reasons was my teacher teach too fast. I was not even understand what was going on on the precvious topic, she already moved on to the next one. I guess, she did this because except me and another two students, the rest of the students in the class were brought up in Canada. Being a bilingual country, all Canadian students have to learn French in their primary and secondary schools. So, for the Canadian students coming to this French beginner class was like a review more than learning a new language. In addition, everything here, including all the packaging, sign boards etc are in both English and French. Surrounding by this bilingual environment, lots of simple French words are already in their heads.

As for me, who has absolutely no French background, no matter how hard I tried to memorise the French vocabulary, they still did not stick in my brain. Sometimes, though I could remember them, it still equal to nothing because I could not pronounce correctly, so no one knew what I was saying in the class. Sometimes, when I thought of it, why the other two students who had no French background seemed doing ok in the class, but not me. I then started to feel pretty lousy. I hate this feeling. I gave myself excuses that those two students were doing ok because their husband/wife knew French. So, they had the help at home.

Sometimes, students and teacher would converse in French in the class. I would just daydreaming. If the teacher suddenly asked me a question, I would looked at her with blank eyes and blank mind. I felt pretty stupid in the class. At the end, all I wanted was to finish the course as soon as possible, so I did not have to suffer anymore. Of course, I could just not going to classes half-way but I had paid in full and did not want to be wasteful. I dragged myself to there most nights and hated it. The good thing was, surrounded by this environment, I actually remembered a few more French words though I still could not pronounce them correctly.

For the past few weeks, especially Wednesday, I was so unhappy. Feeling inferior, self-pity and wanting to give up could be so hurtful and harmful to self-confidence. I am always a determined person, and often can overcomes problems like this. I did not know why I could not this time. Ed explained that I am a talker but never a listener. To learn a language well, I have to learn how to listen attentively. Only then I can learn the pronunciation properly. He is right.

I almost wanted to skip the last class because did not want to feel embarrassed again. However, last minute, I changed my mind. I did not want anything left behind not completed. Even it was a complete failure, I wanted to be able to face it courageously. Before I entered the class, I told myself, Shirley, please pay extreme attention in the class. If I don’t know the answer when asked, it is ok. Nothing to feel shameful. I want to have a proper closure for myself.

Thankfully, it was indeed a beautiful closure that day. I listen attentively, learned to my best ability, though did not understand sometimes, I decided not to give up. I remembered something happened that day. The teacher asked a student about a French word. She did not know but kept trying for more than 10 times and finally got it right. She laughed loudly, teasing herself but without shame. We all ended up laughing together. At that time, I knew why I was not happy because I cared too much and too self-conscious. If I did not respect and appreciate myself, no one would.

The only difference between happiness and unhappiness lies here. I thought I knew this and believe this for a long time. Wondered why I forget this time. Have to remind myself even more….